Suffering and problems in life are always related to past life traumas and karma. Buried deep in our subconscious, they are like little manifestation engines of pain and disaster. Like a deep internal infection that we all have, but are not aware of, these painful energies seek expression and manifestation in our lives, refusing to be ignored. The more you ignore them, the stronger they get. And if you ignore them for enough lifetimes, they will eventually pull your entire life apart.
Epiphany
I remember the first time I became aware of this phenomenon in meditation. I was observing my subconscious, an unimaginably vast sea of pure conscious energy. And within this sea existed every possible karmic pattern and emotion from all my innumerable past life experiences. The great, the good, the bad and the ugly were all there. The light, the dark, and everything in between was present and accounted for, weaving an incredibly complex tapestry of experience and soul growth.
My subconscious sea contained more light, divinity, grace and love than I ever thought could be possible for me. It also contained more darkness and pain than I could even comprehend. The darkness was so black and full of hate, rage, sorrow and despair, that it seemed almost demonic, like a suicidal Tasmanian devil. And the amount of darkness was so huge that it looked like the size of Mount Everest. I couldn’t fathom the amount of suffering held within that mountain. And I couldn’t even imagine how I could begin to process and heal all that pain.
Soul Crystal
All the energies in my internal sea, the light and the dark, were being projected through a crystalline structure, what I would call a human soul crystal. It was a crystalline matrix, designed by my own soul, unique to my current lifetime. It acted as a filter, and determined what energies and patterns from my subconscious were manifested most strongly in my current life. All of my karmic patterns and threads of fate were present in the soul crystal. All of my strengths, weaknesses, quirks, gifts, talents, nemesis, shortcomings, and good and bad luck were present in the crystalline matrix.
Upon witnessing this, I instantly realized that this was the mechanism that was manifesting my entire life. This was why everything in my life had happened the way that it had. Every person I’d ever met, every job I’d ever been interested in, every friend or partner that had ever entered my life, and every happy or unhappy synchronicity, had all been set into place by this mechanism in my subconscious. Every decision I’d ever made, and every thought or feeling I’d ever had in my entire life, had all been heavily influenced by the energies and patterns present within my soul crystal.
Engine of Creation
It was like witnessing an Engine of Creation that ran 24/7 in my own subconscious, manifesting everything in my entire life. And I had not previously even been aware of it. Almost no-one is. We still have free will, which can affect the timing of events and our choices in life, but the stage is being set by our subconscious. “What comes around goes around”, pays homage to the eventual balance that is always achieved in life, one way or another. It makes most of the events that happen in our lives, rather inevitable.
I think this is why it’s said “Ignorance is bliss”. Now that I was aware of what was manifesting my life, I had to do something about it. I admit that it would have been much easier to forget about what I saw, and just continue living my life. To pretend that the vast darkness within myself didn’t really exist, and that it was all just my imagination. But I couldn’t do that, I had already gone past the point of no return.
Moving Past Delusion and Fantasy
As human beings, we are exceptionally good at believing in delusions and fantasies, and fooling ourselves. But all delusions and fantasies eventually come unraveled in meditation. With consistent meditation, you start to feel and perceive things much more deeply. This enhanced discernment aids you in figuring out what meditative experiences are real and relevant, and what is just imagination and fantasy. Almost anything else can be faked, but not emotion. When your meditative emotional experiences become incredibly deep and intense, then you absolutely know that what you are perceiving is real. And I absolutely knew that what I was witnessing in my subconscious was real.
Learning to see the truth, to see past all delusion and fantasy, is one of the main reasons to adopt meditation as a daily practice. All of your delusions and fantasies will be revealed in meditation for what they really are. And you will garner the clarity and strength to simply drop what no longer serves you. You’ll spontaneously decide to give up ambitions that are just useless distractions and don’t really enrich your life, and all fears and worries will fade over time. Your life will simplify, and become very peaceful and fulfilling.
Taking Responsibility for the Journey
So now I had to take the plunge, and take responsibility for all the energies in my subconscious. This meant facing the darkness within. A hard choice, but an inevitable one. No one can live a lie and deny the truths that they have seen. Sooner or later, any person will crack and have to admit the truth, even if only to themselves. I’ve never been much for denial, so I sucked it up and took the plunge. Since then, it has been a very hard but very worthwhile journey. I’ll share a little of my own journey through dark and light, and the meditation technique that I developed to take me there. But remember, always trust your own guidance first and foremost. Only your own soul knows what you need to evolve. We are the creators of our own destiny.
Catalyst
In my mid-thirties, I experienced a great tragedy, a great heartbreak. The pain was so intense that it eclipsed everything in my life and I was unable to recover and move on. It was the search for relief from this suffering that lead me initially to new age practices like channeling and energy healing, and eventually to meditation. My introduction to the meditation technique below was from my channeling guides, a Pleiadian group called Osenya (Oh-Sen-yah). I was suffering from severe allergies at the time, and it had gotten so bad that I was sick for several months a year. I had reached my limit and had decided that I either had to cure them or move to another state.
As a last ditch effort at healing myself, I decided to try doing some energy work. I had tried multiple herbal remedies with no significant relief. Taking large doses of Quercetin helped, but still didn’t do enough. My channeling teacher Emily, had recently encouraged me to channel for myself everyday, so I decided to ask the guides what to do. (It’s always been hard for me to ask for help. I’m stubborn like a mule.) They guided me through an initial version of the Deep Pain Body Diving meditation. After about 20 minutes of severe emotional release, which involved grieving so hard that I could barely breathe or even sit up, my allergy symptoms magically vanished. I was absolutely astounded, I couldn’t believe that it was so simple. I had been suffering miserably for several years already, with the allergies getting worse every year, and this was all it took to heal them?
Much to my disappointment, the allergies came back the next morning. But then I repeated the meditation with the same results. After 15-30 minutes of severe emotional release, the allergies magically vanished. And when I say “severe emotional release”, I mean really really severe. I was weeping uncontrollably and could barely breathe. But it only lasted while I was doing the meditation technique. As soon as I stopped, the emotional release turned off like turning off a faucet, and my emotional state returned to normal within a few minutes. Daily repetition of this process for about three weeks, relieved my allergies for several months.
My allergies didn’t return until the season came again the next year. At that time, they came back at about half the strength of the previous year, and also started later than normal. I again repeated the meditation everyday until my allergies were gone again. It took longer this time, about 45 days. They came back again the next year at about half strength of the previous year, and so by this time the allergies were getting pretty mild. I repeated the meditation until the allergies went away again. It took about 3 months this time. (I was getting lazy and less consistent, since my level of suffering was decreasing. Typical human.) After about 4 years of this, my allergies left for good and haven’t been back since.
A New Understanding
Healing my allergies made me realize how much pain and darkness was inside of me. Until I did the energy work in meditation, I had no idea of the vast sea of emotions within me. My subconscious was being covered up by my day-to-day, busy as a bee surface consciousness. That part of me that was a responsible functional mature adult and couldn’t afford to “get emotional” and lose it. But the suffering held within was just unbelievable, it was intense beyond reason or sanity.
I realized that the traumas trapped within had not only been manifesting my allergies, but were responsible for many other problems in my life as well. All kinds of undesirable behavioral patterns, negative personality quirks and self-destructive tendencies could be attributed to the darkness within. I continued exploring my darkness and doing the meditation technique off and on for a few years, when I finally had the vision of my internal conscious sea that I described above. It was then that the secrets were revealed. I could live in ignorance no more, I had passed the point of no return.
Deep Pain Body Diving
The Deep Pain Body Diving meditation, as I call it (you can invent your own name if you like), is a very simple technique. However, as you go along, it gets more and more difficult and involved. How far you go into it, is up to your own guidance. I would suggest not getting involved in ego and pushing it too far. If we act out of desire and ego in spiritual practice, then it will always backfire on us. The journey into the dark side is a journey of exploring and understanding your own pain. It is not about black magic or anything silly like that, it is an individual journey into the energies that are manifesting your problems. It is a journey that is unique to each person, and a journey that must be guided from within by your own soul.
In meditation, you try to find your pain and internally act it out, like you’re an actor in a play. Sit in a comfortable position, and relax and go deeply within yourself. The exact sitting position doesn’t matter, but lying down doesn’t work the same. Your spine needs to be aligned upright. Lying down prepares one for lucid dreaming or astral travel, but to examine the wounds of the Earth Self, we must sit upright. Your hands need to touch each other, and your feet need to touch each other as well, to complete the body’s subtle energy circuit. Sitting in a chair with hands gently clasped and feet touching is fine. Sitting cross-legged on the floor is even better, but not that important. I sat in a comfy overstuffed chair for the first 2 years, before I graduated to the floor. Breathe deeply, relax and drop into your heart. Feel yourself falling gently down into your heart. You can imagine that you’re circling round a whirlpool, falling slowly down into the center of your heart. The center of your heart is a place of perfect stillness and peace. The rest of your heart beats around it, but the center is perfectly still.
Consider the end of your life, the moment your heart will cease to beat. Realize that it could come at any time, even in the next second. Know that there is a place of light, peace and divinity waiting for you in the great beyond. Feel at ease and know that there is a place for you there, that you are loved and not judged. There is no hell or judgment, other than what you place upon yourself. There are those that have much to make up for, but the way and timing of their redress, is decided by their higher selves, from a perceptive of Divinity.
Let go of everything within you and surrender completely to the Divine. That great Divine consciousness that we are all subconsciously aware of, that we know is there and can feel at certain special moments. The Divine that created everything, of which your own soul is a part. Surrender to it completely and let your own soul guide you. Ask your soul to bring the next lesson to you. After sitting peacefully for awhile, you will start to feel something come up. An awareness of something will start to come slowly into your consciousness. Sometimes it is of the light, sometimes of the dark. Let your soul choose which.
If your soul brings the light to you that day, then enjoy it and allow yourself to feel the grace and divinity that is within. Surrender any self-judgment and doubt to Spirit, and know that the Divine does not create unworthy beings. Let any emotions that come up be processed through your emotional body. Cry or rage if you need to, feel and experience fully any emotions or buried pain that comes up. This is your way of honoring your own emotions, of honoring your own pain. If we do not honor them, then they will not heal. How can the events that created our darkness simply be forgotten? How can the loved ones who died on us in the past, simply not be remembered? How can the traumas of the past simply be released so easily? We must honor and express our pain. We must bear witness to it. We must give it a place in our own consciousness, and allow it to heal, evolve and transform itself.
If your soul brings the darkness to you that day, then the process is the same. Surrender and go deeply into it. Not too deep, just as deeply as you feel called to go into it that day. It can take a long time to work through all the layers within ourselves. Rushing it does no good. Exploring the darkness will get quite uncomfortable, but you are experiencing pain that may have been buried within your subconscious for thousands of years. And it has been affecting your life everyday, while you’ve been completely unaware of it.
Allow the pain to flow into you, and honor that part of yourself by processing it and expressing it through your emotional body. You can read into the pain like you’re reading a movie script. Release the need for mental understanding, and feel the raw unfiltered emotions and energies within the darkness. Try to internally act out a little bit of it inside yourself. Take it bit by bit, trying to find ways to express the pain in the most genuine way possible. You can talk to yourself inside your head, or do it without words or even thoughts. Feel the emotions as deeply as possible.
See your pain as forms of pure energy that are currently vibrating at a low frequency. They are just formations of energy like any other. There is no need to judge them or to try and understand why they are there. The mental understandings will come later. To release and evolve them, try to express the emotions as deeply and intensely as possible without moving. If you’re having trouble connecting, then you can fake it for awhile to draw the real emotions out. Become fake angry or fake sad and pretend to get emotional. You’ll probably laugh at yourself, but if you keep trying, then eventually you’ll make the connection to your deep subconscious. After the connections are made, then let the genuine raw emotions flow through you at a natural slow pace. Stay genuine and patient during the process, don’t force it to try and spiritual super hero it that day. You’ll give yourself an aneurysm or heart attack doing that. Let the emotions come slowly and build like a boiling teakettle. Breathe deeply and surrender to spirit.
If you need to get up and walk around while talking to yourself aloud, then that’s fine. If you need to become violent, then hitting your pillow or hitting your bed with a small towel is a good release. If you need to cry or rage or yell, then do it. Don’t hurt yourself or others, and don’t break anything expensive, and you’re fine. There are a million ways to release. Find ways to act out the emotional play inside yourself. Treat it as an exercise if you need to, like acting out a part in a play. Pretend that the disturbed suffering one is not really you, if that helps. Treat it as therapy for the dark childe inside yourself that may seem like a stranger to you. Treat it as release therapy for the dark injured one inside yourself that almost never sees the light of day. How long has the dark childe been ignored? How long has it been holding the pain inside? The dark childe needs expression and release too, just like you do. The dark childe knows how to heal itself. It just needs a chance to do so. To be on the stage of your awareness, in the limelight for a change, instead of constantly being ignored, hated and avoided.
Other Variations
Sometimes it is difficult to connect to the dark buried parts of ourselves. We have spent lifetimes blocking them out of our awareness, so some amount of work is usually needed to reconnect to them. When I was first discovered my darkest self, the part of me that was filled with hate, rage and despair, the suicidal Tasmanian devil, I would have to meditate for 20 – 45 minutes before I could even start to feel a connection to it. It took me months of work in meditation to bring it fully into my conscious self. And it took nearly two years of work to fully understand what it was and how it had been formed.
If you are meditating and nothing is coming up, then doing a visualization may help. Here are a couple you can try, and feel free to invent your own. Imagine yourself diving deeply into a pond. Feel the parts of the pond that are clear and full of light, and the parts that are murky and filled with something other than light. Let your soul choose where to go in the pond. If you get led to a light area, then relax and enjoy. If you get led into a murky area, then allow yourself to feel what’s in there. Reach out with your feelings and touch the murky area with your heart. Explore it with your awareness, and try to connect to the energy that is making it murky.
It will probably seem like it is not a part of yourself. Try internally acting out the emotions that you find within the murky area, like you’re becoming a character that is contained within that area. The character probably won’t seem like you, in fact it might even be the opposite of the normal you. Let that character emerge and take center stage for awhile. Explore its likes and dislikes, its joys and sorrows. Be patient with it and communicate with it like you would a small child, without being patronizing. Feel all of the various emotions within that character, and let it tell you its story. Very gradually, you will become familiar with the character and realize that it is a part of you, like a lost soul fragment. Perhaps one that you haven’t connected to for thousands of years.
Another variation is to imagine yourself sitting and meditating on a beach. If you live near a beach, then you can physically go to the beach and do this exercise. If there’s not a beach nearby, then just imagining it is equally as valid. Raise your right hand like a Buddha, and place your left hand on the sand next to you. With your voice, make a deep booming sound like a sonic radar pulse. Make it softly or loudly, as you feel called to. Feel the energy of the ocean and let it determine what kind of sound you make. With your right hand, send the pulses into the ocean. Imagine them traveling across the ocean floor for miles and miles, revealing everything that is in the sea. Continue sending pulses until you can feel the light and dark parts of the ocean. Go into the area that you feel called to, and continue the visualization as described above.
It Takes Time
Exploring our wounded self takes time. Give yourself time and don’t rush it. Only practice this meditation when you feel called to. For best results, meditate 6 days a week, twice a day, but only do this meditation of toxic emotional release when you feel guided to. Don’t rush it! There are thousands and thousands of traumatic emotional events trapped in our subconscious. Heartbreak, war, killing, murder, death, abandonment, loss of our dearest beloved ones, lies, betrayals, offenses, violations and deceptions of every kind are all stored within. Every imaginable kind of sorrow, hatred, rage and death is stored within our subconscious.
You will find emotional triggers upon triggers stored within yourself. Unraveling all of these will eventually make our lives very peaceful. For example, being misunderstood used to make me madder than hell. I discovered while meditating that it was from trying to do good in the world. And instead of being appreciated and honored, I was derided, crapped on, crushed, betrayed, derailed, sabotaged, lied to, maligned, misunderstood, destroyed and exiled. Justified anger is one of the hardest things to let go of, and I’ve experienced thousands of years of this kind of thing in hundreds of different lifetimes. Much of the rage and hatred in my dark side was from these kinds of experiences.
Be Careful With Yourself
Be conscious of your body while releasing the toxic emotions. Don’t grit your teeth too much, and don’t over stress your voice if you need to yell or scream. Learn to tense the big muscles of your body instead of your hands to avoid over stressing and spraining your fingers and other small muscles. I’ve actually clenched my fists so hard before while releasing rage, that I sprained both thumbs. I could barely move my fingers for 3 days. The big muscles can take a lot of tension, the smaller muscles, not so much. Learn to tense your shoulders, thighs, back and core muscles to release rage and frustration. If you need to yell, try yelling at a medium level and tensing your big muscles at the same time, instead of putting all the burden of emotional release on your vocal cords.
Releasing toxic emotions is like revealing the darkest and most vulnerable parts of yourself. It is usually best to practice this while totally alone, unless you feel called to have a particular supporter present. If you don’t have a private place to release, then take a drive and do it in your car. Or go in the bathroom, lock the door, and turn up the radio and do it as quietly as possible. Feel free to stop and take breaks to breathe deeply and relax. Laugh at it like you are laughing at a comedian having a toddler meltdown in a movie. It is comedic and serious at the same time.
The Dark Comedy of a Dark Child
Doing this practice will probably feel absurd at first, especially to men or those with a strong male energy. But gradually you will experience the benefits of toxic emotional release, and recognize that these emotions are like poisons hiding within you. They constantly effect and pollute your life in myriad ways, and block you from realizing and manifesting your potential in life. These toxins need to be expressed and released. They need a chance to come into the light of your conscious self, and have a chance to evolve themselves on the stage of your awareness. In doing so, they will become mature and evolve themselves. How can the dark child grow up if we don’t let it experience itself? How can the darkness heal if we ignore it and don’t allow it to express its pain?
Even though the traumas we are processing are deadly serious, having a sense of humor about them is important. Even after you’ve had a deadly serious and intense emotional release of the worst kind of trauma, feel free to take a deep breath and laugh about it. Sometimes it is an incredulous laugh about how such darkness could even be in you. How many years and lifetimes has it been there without you being even the least bit aware of it? It boggles the mind.
Even though the pain stored within is not funny, if we take ourselves too seriously, then our ego will pull us off the path of self-healing and onto a path of righteous anger and self-justification. We’ll become more and more odious, obnoxious and inflexible, and become absolutely assured of our own righteousness. When the ego becomes spiritualized, it gets even more seductive and dangerous. As Osho has said, seriousness is a spiritual disease. If we get too heavy, then we can’t heal. We must humble ourselves and surrender anew each day in meditation. Let the dark child have its dark comedy, and be willing to forgive (yourself), release everything and laugh at the end of the day.
When you have released and processed enough, when you feel complete for the time being, then take a deep breath, relax and let the emotions dissipate. Check your surroundings, get a drink of water, go to the bathroom, go outside and look at the sky and trees and appreciate this beautiful Earth that we live on. Reassess how you feel. Do you feel relieved? Lighter? Happier? More relaxed and peaceful? Does something inside you feel served like never before? There are a thousand ways to describe the benefits of detoxing and releasing darkness.
Lightwork
Doing energy work or meditation that brings in the light can be a very valuable support tool while working through trauma. I would encourage everyone to get into some kind of channeling or energy work, or doing visualized meditations to help open up your higher chakras. Take a class or get a session from a lightworker if you have the means to, or start watching some of the thousands of videos on these topics that are available online. I don’t subscribe to any particular modality, they are all equally valid in my opinion. I’ve invented my own practices through meditation, as you will also. Before then however, getting into “lightwork” and learning whatever practices, modalities and meditation techniques call to you, is an important step. Otherwise the darkness can get too intense.
As we birth ourselves into a new age, the Dwapara Yuga or the “Bronze Age”, our understanding of spirituality and the nature of reality, is opening up and growing rapidly. However, we are still thousands of years away from the peak of the Age of Light, the Satya Yuga, or the “Golden Age”. And so we are still working out the kinks in our understanding of truth, and how to heal ourselves and ascend our consciousness. In a way, we are like toddlers who are just learning how to walk again. I used to believe that bringing in the light through channeling and energy work could heal all the darkness of the past and bestow enlightenment upon us. That it could shift us permanently into a higher frequency and we could “ascend to the 5th dimension”. All we had to do was just shift our attitude and perspective, and keep healing and “lightworking it up” everyday!
However, it somehow never quite worked out that way. No matter how great a channeling or energy healing session I had with myself or others, our spiritual high wouldn’t last. Within a few hours or days, we would descend again and start repeating our unhealthy patterns again. We were always falling short and were never quite able to manifest our potential. After healing my allergies and getting into meditation, I eventually realized that doing lightwork wasn’t really affecting the darkness, it was just shifting the focus. It was creating a temporary shift that supported our process and made us feel better. But it didn’t permanently change anything for our dark child. At the end of the day, the darkness always returned, because our dark child was still in pain.
Bringing in the light is a great support tool and healing practice when you need it, but we need to understand what lightwork actually is. It is not a magical cure for darkness, it is not a way to escape taking responsibility for your pain. Lightwork is a buffering measure against the dark when you need that extra support. Lightwork is a good way to become aware of our Divine souls, our eternal selves, and increase our psychic and empathic abilities. Use it when you need it, but do the work on your dark side as well. You can keep doing lightwork everyday to shift the focus back to the light over and over again, but eventually the darkness will grow in strength and smack you in the behind for ignoring it. And sometimes that smack can be very, very unpleasant. Sometimes that smack can be fatal.
Darkness Evolved
The dark child must experience and heal itself. Then the darkness matures and transform into something else. However, contrary to what many may expect, healed darkness doesn’t turn into light. What it turns into is one of the great mysteries of consciousness. The darkness evolves and turns into strength, wisdom, patience, forbearance, consistency, toughness, discernment, depth of being, and all other similar qualities. It turns into those characteristics that are taught by the school of hard knox, by the school of suffering and real-life experiences.
The dark child evolves and gives you those essential qualities that you need to manifest your gifts into the world at your highest potential. The difference between handling darkness in meditation and the school of hard knox, is that you can do most of that suffering and learning in meditation over a 5-10 year period (on average). In the school of hard knox, you will be blocked from manifesting your highest potential, as your karmic lessons play out in lifetimes over thousands of years of endless roadblocks, problems, delays, misunderstandings, false paths and disasters.
Doing it in several years of meditation (albeit hard, painful meditation) is highly preferable! Once you have explored and healed the dark child, you will finally have the strength and wisdom to succeed at those missions and goals that you have been laboring at for so long. The endless struggle, compromise and manifesting of mediocrity will be over. You will finally be able to start manifesting at your potential. Congratulations!
Breaking Free from the Wheel of Karma
After finishing your daily release of toxicity in meditation, the dark karma inside you has just been served for the day. You’ve just processed your daily serving of karma inside of yourself, instead of manifesting those energies as problems and drama in your external life. With years of practice, you can erase all of the problems and drama in your life by detoxing and evolving your wounded self. Once your karmic needs are being met in meditation, your soul no longer has the need to manifest darkness in your life. You will gain the strength and wisdom that you need to manifest your life to a higher potential. Drama in, peace out. Handle the darkness and drama within, explore your pain body pro-actively, and watch your life become calm, peaceful and problem-free.
It takes a lot less time to evolve your dark side in meditation, than to manifest problems, drama and tragedy over thousands of years, through the process of regular hard living. I personally feel that 1 year of working on the wounded self in meditation is worth at least 10 years of tragedy and drama in regular life. And with each passing year of meditation, your evolution speed will get faster. By the time you’ve meditated for 20 or 30 years, you will have processed thousands of years of karma. You will become enlightened.
This is the great secret of this practice that has been kept by certain monks and yogis for thousands of years. This kind of meditation is generally not taught to the public during the Kali Yuga, as the darkness is too intense. However, I have seen that this type of meditation rises into public knowledge once again during our current time period, as a way to heal ourselves from the Kali and prepare for the Age of Light to come.
Namaste.
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